Last Night...

I wrote this one evening, mid October...

 

Last night I had to finally say goodbye to you... Although it's been over a decade since you stepped into my life, making such a fine print on my heart, I've held you in a place where long ago you walked away from. Leaving me wondering, wanting to know why didn't you choose me?

 

What happened to the smile on your face when you saw me? What happened to the butterflies we felt when we simply thought of one another? Last night, I had to come to the conclusion that we will never be again, & I must be ok with that. No matter how much I see or hope in you. No matter how much potential I see that we have as a believing couple together, I can't make you look at me the way you once did. I had to say to myself that I must be ok that you were allowed to leave & there was nothing I could do about it.

 

For so long, I allowed the door of my heart to stay open, never closing the door just in case you came back to finally prove your love for me. As much as I hoped for it, that finally never came. Last night I had to be ok with the fact that finally may never come. Last night I had to pray, that God help me close the door that I held open specifically for you. No matter who came in, the door was open for you to come back. I would allow someone to play your role for some time, but they couldn't get too close because my heart only longed for you. Your touch. Your beautiful pink lips. Your rich, brown skin. Your beautiful smile. Man I missed being in your arms. There was no touch that I wanted to feel more than yours. I held the door open anxiously anticipating that you would come back...

 

When you did come back, I felt that same familiar twinge of pain that came with your presence again. I wanted to overlook that familiar feeling, because now you had Christ in your life. I just knew you were the one after all this time. When I stood at the door watching you leave again, I knew this thing was much deeper than I ever meant for it to become. I stood at the door, saying I should shut it, but never mustering up the courage to do so until last night. I knew that me holding that door open for you, only to watch you come & go as you pleased, hurt me more that it did you. Although I love you more than you'll ever know, that time you left, I learned about a love who loves me more than I could have ever hoped to receive from you alone.

 

He is teaching me that I am worth so much more. He is teaching me how to love myself, while loving him & my neighbor. I'm finding out that I really love me some me & that I could no longer stand by the door, holding it open, hoping for the moment you'll walk back through bringing in whatever you pleased, regarding me the least. Last night I learned that I love me too much & that I was worth much more than being a doorkeeper for someone who wasn't the least interested in walking through my door & keeping me company.

 

Last night I also learned that this thing is much deeper than me and you alone. The longing that I thought had to be filled by you, I found out that it really could not be filled by anyone, except for our Father in Heaven. This is a journey, because my desires are still for another human being to fill me. I hate that I put this burden on you to be something to me that you could never be. I thank you for walking away, in order to make way for the One I really needed to look to...

Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!