Although I am writing about myself, I want for my readers to
see themselves or someone in a similar situation. Not feel sorry for yourself
or them, but to gain some clarity. This make take a moment to read, so kick
back and get comfortable for a moment.
Right now I'm listening to Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
& have the nerve to have it on repeat. I actually really love old 90's
hits. That's when real music was in. It’s around 5p so I’m writing in between
stops in traffic. For probably the last few years I've been beating myself up
over this simple yet burdensome stumbling block. Somewhere, sometime ago I lost
confidence in myself. I couldn't understand it because although I knew people
had an opinion about me, truthfully I didn't care. Like, literally someone
could say something out of line to me & I wouldn't notice, because my mind
more than likely was on something else anyhow. Somewhere along the way I began
to care & I will say that's a time I begin to lose myself.
I tried hard to be this perfect person who I thought others
would like or be receptive to & literally forgot how to be me, when in fact
it was trying already. For the purpose of this blog I will focus on one point:
Relationships. I hadn't had a "boyfriend" since my daughter was about
3 or 4 & she's now 11. After my last BF I decided to simply associate with
guys with no strings attached. I could come and leave when I got ready &
they could do so as well, & there was no problem whatsoever. That phase of
my life lasted up until about 6 years ago.
I'd given my life to God and began developing a relationship
in that area. This newfound relationship that I knew nothing of, consumed me so
much. I can truly say that I've never felt more complete as a single person
than at that time. I can still remember an old friend telling me he couldn't believe
I wasn't with anyone; there was always some guy I was talking to. It was then that I
actually realized that it had been a very long time since I was with anyone
& it not bother me. I simply laughed & said “you know what, you're
right”. Somewhere in the mix, things began to change. I started noticing that
something was missing. So I began searching.
When I search for things or find that something is out of
place, I search until it's found especially when it messes with my peace. I
will either rush towards it or move far away from it. Little did I know though,
is that my focus had been shifted. Almost like Peters focus was shifted when he walked on
water & shortly afterwards began to sink when he took his eyes off of
Jesus. In hindsight I can tell you I the eyes of my heart were taken off of Jesus.
My heart began to long more for something that once satisfied me. I noticed that no
one was checking for me anymore & I felt some type of way about that.
I started to go backwards to guys I dated before & no
matter how much I would try, no one would fall for the bait. Relationships would last for
maybe a month or so & suddenly fall away. Then I would sit and wonder for
months, what happened & feel sorry for myself. Each time, I sought after this longing, the emptier I began to feel. I
took their rejection towards me as something being wrong with me. So after
months, I would either go back & try again, thinking it was a joke or I
would meet someone new. Unfortunately, I wallowed in my self-pity so long
that if anyone dared get close enough, they could smell the funky stench on me. I
could no longer hide my insecurities, as I thought I had been before.
I began to ask God to change me so that I can be accepted
again. Before any date, I would tell those close to me & get so excited
like a little kid. They would offer advice, but they didn't know the depth of
my insecurity. So I would go on a date & knew before it ended, this
guy would not be calling me back. Oh the desperation was so real that I didn’t
give them a chance to call me. I'd call or text them saying something short and
sweet, hoping for a response. Before reaching out, I'd tell myself, “wait for
them to call, if they want you they will call you”. Little did I know, I'd already pushed them away with my insecurities & thirst. I wondered, why didn't this one
like me. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't they just stay a little longer
& really get to know me? Why doesn't anyone like me? I would look at my
face, body, hair, what I wore, what I didn't have or what I had & say it
wasn't enough & get so disgusted with myself to say that I was ugly with no
personality worth anyone staying around. The crazy part is that deep within me I knew none
of it was true. My fear of rejection, someone leaving me, or being alone began
to taunt me like none other. I began to cry at night because I couldn't shake
this image of myself. I felt that things would always be like this & I
would never have the freedom I longed for.
To be honest, I haven't overcome this thing. I am
experiencing this pain right now as I type. I met yet another man. A beautiful,
strong man who is tall, beautiful smile & a strong personality just like I
like. Educated, working & holding his own. I never look for a man to see what he can do for me, but what he is able to do for himself, and he represented the image I held of a real man. We went for a drink last Friday
and internally, I let my fear overwhelm me again, which of course projected in my actions and words. He ended by saying he had a meeting to
attend at 7:30. To be honest I'm not sure if it was true or not. I've had
evening meetings before so it could've been true, but of course I took that as
rejection. I smiled, he walked me to my car & I rode off, with my racing
thoughts. He's not interested in you. You don't have anything going for
yourself & he does. What is he going to do with you? There's another
beautiful, smart, talented woman out there that's better than you. Although I
wanted a call back, I already said to myself, he wouldn't.
So on my way home today I thought about this as I have
been for the last few days since our time together. At first I felt sorry for
myself & begin to get angry & was just like, forget him & forget it
all!! Just mad at the world. In reality, I wasn't mad at him or anyone else. I was upset that what I expected did and did not come true. Even in our ignorance, hurt, anger &
frustration, God still hears us and His plan still stays the same. This morning I woke up with the same funky
attitude, ready to just get the day over so I can come back home & go to
sleep until I felt better again. At least when I'm asleep, I don't have to
think. So on my way home, I began to think, there comes a point in life where
we have to realize something is taking place out of our control. We have to be ok with saying no. No matter how hard we want to say yes, for
our sake & others, we have to be bold enough, trust God enough to say no.
I've heard that when you fall off of a horse, you have to
hurry up & get back on it again or you will be afraid for good and never ride again. So to defy this myth, we try
again & again & again. Not knowing that there may be something else at
work that is preventing us from getting up there and staying on & riding as
you should.
There could be many of reasons. We normally like to think
there is something wrong with us as an individual; that is far from the truth.
My dad once told me, that you hadn't always been here so you know there's an
expiration date for it to pass. Learning to say no even when you want to say
yes, can save you much trouble. Sometimes saying no is so difficult because I'm
afraid it won't come back or come again. What if I miss out on something I
wanted so bad, all because I was afraid to let love in? Somewhere my desire for
a mate & the lack of having one, has me believing that I am incomplete if
he doesn't come.
So I wait on the sideline, for another bus to come; if it
decides to stop at all. I've given this thing so much power. I have to ask
myself, what am I going to do once he comes? If he came today, he would find me
wallowing in my self-pity, feeling sorry for myself, secretly waiting for him to come so
that I can be whole. All the while I am sitting here thinking of a time in the
future that I don't even know if I'll be alive or not. I'm worrying about the
cares of tomorrow & neglecting the time that I have right now. To be
honest, I'm not sure what's to come. Not sure if he's interested or not but I
do know that I have to get up. It’s beginning to stink really bad down here
where I am. The only thing that I'm praying for is a changed mind & for the
eyes of my heart be set back on Jesus. It scares me to even say that because,
I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully satisfied with Jesus alone & truly be ok
if I don't have the pleasure of sharing my beautiful, quirky self with some
handsome & loving man & building a life and family together.
The reason I'm sharing this is not to tell my business,
because some will disagree with me putting myself out there like this. I'm posting
this because I watch my timelines on the large world of social media & I
see the things on the young girls and older women hearts. Every other post is
about a man & singleness with a headline saying something like, "I
haven't found anyone yet because the one who good enough for me isn't there
yet" or "until God sees fit for me to be with the right one he has
for me, I'll be happily single" all the while pretending they are ok, when in reality they are not satisfied with life as is. Our hearts desire is to
have a mate, because there is nothing like loving someone who loves you back
& being with that person who just gets you without any reasoning. I won't
suggest what to do, or how to do it but I want the Holy Spirit to minister to
you & mein this very moment, while our hearts are open. I really do love me & I love you!
Jessica
Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!
Wonderfully written Jessica. As I was reading your article, I couldn't help but to go back in my mind to a day were I too had this sane story being written in my heart. Didn't feel attractive, desired or even believe in myself. Despite the fact that all of my life I had been loved and favored by many. There was nothing that I could really say that I wanted in life that really mattered. I, for many years walked with a confidence that what belongs to me will find me. I never had a problem, when I felt this way, with attracting someone in my life. Later I realized that it was a principle to attraction. It was only until the Lord started drawing me to Himself that I became unattractive to others, or better yet, they couldn't find me. You see God was listening to my hearts desire to give my heart to someone that would be willing to do the very same thing.
ReplyDeleteWith my prayer request, I noticed that God answered by shutting doors. You see he shut doors to all the wrong while He began to prepare my heart for that special one that would be just right for me because he too was looking for me.
While we both were hidden we would often see a glimpse of one another in our dreams. The more I tried to come out and find him, because I knew that he had to be real, the more God would hide him. It was only until I continued to visit Him in God's word that one day at the appointed time he would make himself known. You see he too was visiting me in his dreams. In this place we learned how to treat one another, how to cover and serve one another. I noticed that the closer it came to the day of our meeting, the more we prepared ourselves for one another. We both would come back to visit this place called "hope" quite often until one day that he was confident that that's her....the one that I've been visiting in my prayers. The one that I get to talk to in my heart very often. The one that soothes my pain. The one that speaks to the little boy within me. The one that knows just the right words to say at the right time. Yes that's her! I know her from any other voice. Then and then only will He ask God to bring her to me, I'm ready to make her my wife.
You see, the day will come, if you will dare to go back to that little girl that trust and not worry, you'll find out that God had a master plan all along. It's at that time, when your back in place of being carefree because God never fails that you will realize that the delay of him coming was that he's been searching for that special someone in that secret place but when you stop believing, you stopped showing up.
He's calling you, he's sees you in his dreams. Stat in place so that when he lays eyes on you he's going to know quickly...that's her and she's more beautiful that I ever imagined.
God always has a fairy tail ending. He writes the best short tells stories ever written. Watch Him come through everytime.
You see, I too had to start showing up to my dreams again and become carefree once again so that my hearts desire could find me.
It was worth the wait!
Mom
Very encouraging and thought provoking! Thank you
DeleteThank you Jessica for sharing. I definitely enjoyed this story and can identify in many ways. God has a plan and he's working it out for our good.
ReplyDeleteYes He sure is!
DeleteWhat a mighty word of encouragement! Much needed at the right time. God is calling for realness, a closer walk with him and a better relationship with HIM!!! Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. Matt 6:33 ☺ Be very much encourage and know all is well. God would never put more on us than we can bear(1cor 10:13), God knew us before we were formed in our mother's womb (Jeremiah1:5) , God knows everything about us -even how many strands of hair we have on our heads( Matt10:30). I love you and this was very inspirational😙
ReplyDeleteThank you Chatonia for those confirming words. Thank you for remining me to take all thoughts back to what His word says because that's what really matters.
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