"Jess, I'm thinking about coming down tonight instead of tomorrow for the funeral. I told my mom I'd be there tomorrow..." "You can come here and stay the night. You're good." "I'm leaving now & I'll be there in a bit." "Ok, be careful."
I hear a knock at the door... "Come in." "What's up??" 'How you make it here so fast?"
(He mumbled something)
I could tell by the look on his face, he was exhausted... I'd never seen him like this.. he's usually full of life. Still sitting on the couch, laptop open, I watched as he undressed to his basketball shorts & white tee.. he came over, without saying a word, laid his head in my lap while stretching his legs out across the length of the couch. I sat there for a minute, not knowing what to do, so with my laptop now to my side, I continued to type.
Within minutes, he'd fallen asleep, breathing softly into my tummy. The mommy in me was tempted to rub this tired souls' head & even his belly. He looked like a peaceful little kid laying there. I just stared at him for a minute, being sure not to make any sudden moves that would disturb him... I didn't touch him, instead, I stared at him... tense, as my desire grew to just simply caress him like any friend would do during his time of distress. I just stared... as I do many good things placed literally in my lap. Although we've never dated, he was very special to me. Here he was, in my lap && here I was, trapped in my thoughts... I was always so afraid to show a gentle side of me... So I just let him sleep. Later the next morning, I let him leave as peaceful as he'd arrived the night before.
Many times, things I desire, if it comes too close, I push them away, as I'd done him many times. If I could dare to read his mind, it would say, Jess, I don't have the time or energy to fight with you. I know you have it, you just don't know how to give it... so I'm not going to say a word. (who knows) Doesn't matter who or what it is... I have a habit of pushing it away... & please don't try to convince yourself that you could break through these walls... not a good idea.
As a young girl & even now, I've had a beautiful life. I've never been alone... always around family & friends. Although there was something that always struck me... I was never the one chosen... well let me say this, I was never the one chosen by the "cool crew". I was always that one, another quiet one chose & I didn't like it. I wanted so bad to kick it with the "cool kids"... & with them, I never quite fit.
I always had one or two best friends, yet this longing to fit with the other kids was still there. Time went on, where this feeling of rejection began to take root. I became insolent, arrogant, selfish & just simply internalized every negative feeling I had about this outside world... little did I know, that wall was being layered brick by brick. Instead of checking this issue within myself, I continued to encounter situation after situation not realizing why things continued to take place. I thought to myself, if only I could get back to the last place I was truly happy, things would be better... so for years, I sought after that place. Little did I know, the weapon had been formed & this habit had surely taken root and now became my character.
I'm now here in my happy place, it just doesn't seem so happy like I remembered or imagined... I always thought it was everyone & everything around me... but what does it mean when it's just me now... surely my calculations aren't adding up now...
Today, I asked God, "if you knew I was headed for destruction, why did you open the doors allowing me to go"? I was upset. Like, surely He would've closed the door if He knew, I was going down a road that would take me in one of the darkest places I'd ever been. Surely... it's dark here. I asked again, "either I took a wrong turn, or you allowed me to come for another reason... God, I'm on the verge of loosing my mind... I know you didn't bring me this far, open all of these doors just to bring me to my end... I can't run away again... what I was running from, it's here again. I can't take Jordan thru another change. What is it that you want from me? I wish I could just go back to when I 1st met you. Things were so simple then. I had hope. I desired to know you... to be honest, if I could go back, I wouldn't be so hasty to get busy in ministry... I'd simply open my arms & bow at your feet & just worship you, spending time with just you... allowing you to show me the way, instead of going the way I thought was the way. I miss just having you."
(a few minutes passed as I continued to drive)
Rejection... huh? Rejection is the cause. You've been rejected so often, especially by those you love most. You've dealt with it the best way you knew how... you protected yourself.. Now you're dealing with anxiety, anger, frustration, depression & you keep trying to cover it up... except the cause; you've never faced. You've ran from it. It hurts to express the vulnerability that someone not choosing you hurt. You wanted it all to go away... instead of facing the embarrassment & shame it caused you.
Father it does hurt... I just don't like the way it makes me feel. I'm 29 & I'm dealing with something as childish as rejection... what am I supposed to do about it?
In this moment, many things & incidents came to mind. I saw moments where I was once gleeful, abounding in joy, turn into this cold, withdrawn person who would treat you as if she never knew you. If I felt or sensed a twinge of rejection, to avoid this feeling my first thought is to get as far away from it as I possibly could. The only thing with this is, I kept running until now, I rarely ever let anyone but only so close to me. Someone asked me, "why don't you go visit"? I didn't have the heart to tell him, I didn't feel wanted... that's the real reason I don't visit.
I thought about two sermons, Ripped for a Reason by Bishop T.D Jakes & The Scar and the Purpose by Bishop Sherman S. Watkins. I asked God, to please show me the beauty in this scar.
Experience with You has taught me that You will never allow your children to endure such pressure if there wasn't a reason behind it. You revealed to me that the weapon was formed & has pierced my soul, leaving a deposit, as nasty as it is, having a major purpose for the call on my life. You allowed me to see & experience the many opportunities sent my way. You allowed me to watch things slip away before my very eyes... You allowed me to get to the end of me. You also allowed me to see that You didn't allow that weapon to kill my soul. You allowed me to see that I'm actually still here. You allowed me to recognize & experience your sweet grace & mercy that had been and still is sustaining me.
Prayer:
Please help me to have a new view, allowing this wounded place to heal & finally begin to see the beauty in my scar.
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”
Very great writing once again Jess. I too have been there. I thought about when I was your age that ironically we're crossing the same hurdles at the same time in our youth. I can't tell you when it passed, but I know that it did and there was indeed a purpose for being ripped. Your audience will be hugh and you're story will be understood by many. I learned later in life that God was teaching me how to tell my story from the inside out. The mystery to the madness was that my rejected came from reaching for the wrong audience. It's called being blinded by the wrong crowd.
ReplyDeleteMany voices where being heard but the in crowded was blocking my view. We often here that misery loves company, only until you see misery headed into some strange places. Being connected at some point can cause us to stay together longer than desired which in hindsight will teach us where our connection intertwined. You can often be misunderstood by the in crowd because our pains are similar but acted out differently. In essence the in crowd can sometimes cause more pain than desired. When I learned to reach for the right audience, those that too where sencing the pain of rejection I realized that we were missing one another because we were both mingling in wrong circles. Missing the true opportunity to experience the joy of walking alone. This is where we finally hear a clear voice thats crying from without to come within. This is where my healing began. The in crowd is never the true crowd, it's the ones that dare to walk alone but one day walk directly into their destiny. It's what we call My Life. We all one day have to find the strength to take it back by loving from within. When you arrive, there's a large family waiting for you. Their filled with similar stories of their journey to peace. The most common story that's told from your new family is they've been searching for us as much as we were searching for them. Their called the Freedom Family.