Zion...

Dear Secret Keeper,

Thank you. Right now, I’m listening to artist Lauryn Hill album, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill where the song Zion is playing right now… It’s so dope. I was reminded from a movie I’d watched years ago ‘Disappearing Acts’ where Zora compared herself to Lauryn Hill getting pregnant at a late age, in the height of her career, ensuring her producer she would be ok. I’ve heard this song before, but now I understand that this is her song to her unborn child. What a beautiful song it is.

Listening to this song and even thinking back to a girl at camp the other night, awing over her 1 year old son is very warming to my heart... I read a post somewhere, you can tell the character of a woman by the way she treats her children; I’d dare to add, people in general. The way a woman treats her children & others are a direct reflection of how she sees herself…

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Jordan. At the young age of 16, I remember the feeling I felt staring at that cheap stick… my thoughts were still and quiet. Although a bomb shell had been dropped on my awareness, I wasn’t a bit scared of becoming a mother… probably because I wasn’t aware of the magnitude of the shift that would soon take place in my body and life... I was more nervous of telling my parents.

After everything was brought to light, there was a huge relief and slight joy in my heart… I was relieved that the secret was out & that I would be able to keep my baby after talk of abortion. Now, I couldn’t even imagine her not being here. Then there was this strange bit of joy that filled my heart… Soon, I would be a mommy… wow… the thought of not being a good mother or any doubts never crossed my mind… Even then you were showing me a glimpse of your presence in my life…

I was never the person who wanted children… neither did I want to actually share my space let alone my life with a guy… lol, I’ve always thought guys were so gross & were only to be around for just so long… (I grew up with two brothers) I remember when Jordan’s dad told me once we finished school we were going to get married and he wanted me to have his children… I laughed aloud … then shortly afterwards became quiet after sensing the sincerity in his voice. Although I never responded to him, in my heart, I pondered my life as a wife and a mother… I’d truly never thought that far. At that time, the only thing on my mind was living one day to the next. I never truly had any real life goals, aside from moving to Atlanta, GA when I graduated and going to Clark Atlanta University to become a Pediatrician. That was my only vision… that was my only goal in mind. I didn’t know how I would get there, but I was determined to go.

Things changed and so did I. My dreams were placed on the backburner, now that I had other priorities truly more important. This morning, was like an awakening… I thought about my frustrations. I thought about myself living in a constant state of trying to catch up and just get it right. Somewhere, I knew in my being that I’d given up when I never had to. I made excuse after excuse, when all I needed was a little bit of guidance, determination & most of all faith to take that major leap and do it afraid. Taking myself and my daughter to a foreign place to go after a dream I saw deep within me. I knew I could do it but boy oh boy, fear stood in my way. I now see that no matter what route I’ve taken, you were with me all the while.

I thought to myself how my dreams should’ve never been placed on the backburner. Shifted for sure, but not placed on the backburner. At that time, I was unaware there were many programs available for young women in my situation. There are universities that offer family, housing and childcare programs. Literally, no one is left behind and the benefits are limitless. Someone knew the importance of 2^nd chances, which is I’m sure why these programs were created.

Then this…

The real reason why I began to write while listening to Zion… I was truly moved. I saw a glimpse of surrendering. Lauryn’s words sung a melody that touched my heart… I think my heart is changing… lol. I’ve had my own desires for my life and I’ve never really “agreed” with your desire for me… not for any other reason than that it didn’t look like mine. I wanted to go right, yet you always had me going left. I would rest for just a minute from wrestling with you, then I would get those reigns again going my own way… all in an attempt to have things my way. My desires aren’t what you desire for me… in fact, I cringe when I think of giving up my dreams for yours… I don’t even know where you’re trying to guide me… yet, I think your grace is wearing on me. It feels funny that my heart would actually change to desire something that doesn’t really fit my picture. I don’t know what it is to desire anything else… even thinking about it makes me uncomfortable… and it’s just me and you right now. I notice that years ago, I got stuck & I’m still stuck… The only thing is, I’m seeing the evidence of staying mentally stuck in a place where you have long desired to bring me from. You’ve blessed me so much & I rejected it each time because it wasn’t what I wanted… no matter how good it was. I think that’s changing though

What do you do with children like me?

I heard a message last night that you were getting ready to give your children a second chance... I'm not sure what I'd do with a second chance but I wouldn't mind it... I just need your help this time maximizing this opportunity...

I love you ❤

How beautiful if nothing more

Than to wait at Zion's door

I've never been in love like this before

Now let me pray to keep you from

The perils that will surely come

See life for you my prince has just begun

And I thank you for choosing me

To come through unto life to be

A beautiful reflection of his grace

For I know that a gift so great

Is only one god could create

And I'm reminded every time I see your face

Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!