I thought this would be easier to get through. Unfortunately
it’s not as easy as I thought. This weekend I said aloud that I’d give myself
the entire weekend to get over it and not to visit the thoughts again. Here we
are, Monday afternoon and the mere thought has me at the brim of my lowest…
I
have to ask myself, was there a time that you told me to let go and I didn’t? I
can say that I tried… Honestly I did try. I made myself believe that we could
just be friends and keep it at that, yet I knew underlying there was always
something there. Something that both of us were afraid to act on… so we sought out hardest to look
for the slightest of clues to move forward... Is this something or what did that
mean? This was the question that nipped at our heels unbeknownst to each other.
So we waited. I waited. I said I was moving forward, but still I waited for him
to look at me and tell me, “Jessica, I want to try again”. I would’ve dropped
everything in my hand just to take his hand. I waited to hear those words or
similar. I even let my mind play on me for a minute, which placed an even
deeper wedge in between us, which ultimately brought us to this point.
My worst
fear was him leaving… me seeing him in the arms of another… seeing that
beautiful smile that shined bright from his heart, reaching his eyes making
them dance a joyful dance. The smile, I’d hoped to share with him, only to see
him share it with someone else. Why does it hurt so bad? I’m not quite sure
other than the fact that I feel I played myself, running after someone thinking
there was something there rather than focusing on what was right in front of me
all along. Is it that or were the events that occurred inevitable. My feelings
are so mixed right now. Why is what I’m seeing on the inside, not lining up
with what’s taking place on the outside? Why is the evidence happening exactly
how I expected but the feelings nor time lining up… I guess, I didn’t know how it
would feel.
It’s a strange feeling. Relief mixed with sadness. Joy mixed with
now what. He found his love & I’m here… is it selfish for me to say… I did it now I want my reward. I
actually sat still and waited. As hard as it was, I let go because secretly I
wanted a fresh slate. But the end result doesn’t seem like anything I’d
expected. Funny, I think I may be right where I need to be; finally at my zero.
I did something hoping for a different result that I sure hadn’t seen take
place. Even in his moment, I’m having to be still… if only we could press fast forward
or even rewind, just to be sure I heard you right the 1st time… but
the only thing I keep hearing is be still… nothing else.. be still. I learned
this weekend that being still, as simple as it may be is one of the hardest
things to do. You mean be still and do nothing? I will be still & look up, look forward. I know there's more to this story...
Lord, I love you.
Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!
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