(sigh) where do I begin… It was a shocker to see you with her. Finally, the moment I feared most came… I knew one day it would come, but I didn’t know when or how. After the initial shock, I had a conversation that shined a light so bright that I couldn’t help but to smile. Strangely, something that just minutes ago had my heart racing now brought a sense of relief. I said why am I happy? I knew then that it was complete… it was over.
I can’t remember the day we met. I can’t remember the day the idea of an "us" began. What I do remember is somewhere along the way, I felt something I’d never experienced before. We never kissed, I can't remember us holding hands, we’ve laid in the samw bed and slept together, but never had a sexual encounter… but you gave me more that what any stroke or physical touch of any kind could give me. You made love to my mind over and over and over again. That experience captivated me in a way that I now hold others to a higher standard because of it. But what intrigued me most was that you saw me and without a doubt, you chose me.
You chose me when I didn’t choose you. You chose me, when I wanted to choose you but couldn’t on earth find why you wanted me. Out of all women, you wanted me. Each encounter, no matter what random guy you saw me with, no matter how I treated you and ignored you, stepped on you, disregarded you… you still chose me. You chose me even though I hadn’t chosen myself. You saw something in me so deep, each time I attempted to look into your eyes or even came into your presence, I sat still so that I could possibly hear or see what you saw. Because what you saw, you were convinced that it was real... That stuck with me.
Even when I tried to pull away or even push you away, we always found ourselves back in one another’s presence. I wonder if we were both hoping for that moment that we could come on one accord, hand in hand and finally take that leap of faith where our love would collide and make this unique masterpiece that no matter who didn't understand, we did. Now that picture is no more and although i should be sad, well to be honest i kinda am... but most of all, I’m relieved… for some odd reason.
Each time I met someone new that I felt actually had the potential of taking your place, I questioned myself... "is it ok?" And eventually told you about them… Oddly, I feel as if I was asking of your permission. That silent question, “is it okay to move on”?
There was a pattern taking place in my life over the last few months. Although I desired to move forward, there were still doors open in my life that prevented me from fully doing so. One by one, an opportunity was given for the doors to close. Once I realized what was taking place, I cried to God saying no, not him. I could handle releasing the others. I just won’t desire to be with him anymore. We can just stay friends. God I don’t think I can take losing him too. Quietly, God held me as I watched the door shut… knowing as bad as I wanted to keep it open I had to be still and let it go.
Now that the door is closed, although in this moment I still feel a subtle sadness, I now know that I can finally move forward. As I walked to my car yesterday I heard a whisper, “you did it”… not even having to question it I knew what it meant… Finally I sat still long enough to watch a process that I knew would hurt, take place and not have my hand involved, yanking it back... prolonging the process. That whisper brought me peace. I always said if he wasnt you, then me & Jordan are in for a mighty treat. He allowed you to come in and love me with an unconditional love that many women are desperate for. He gave me a glimpse of what was in store by showing me you.
So, I’m truly happy for you all because I see your smile & it reaches your eyes !! I love it!!! I'm smiling now picturing it. Seeing your joy gives me a tiny glimpse of what's to come. I love you CJW & I thank God for you always
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