Just Thinking...

I was just thinking about something... I've noticed that I've been settling for scraps… I want to say that it’s all because I am afraid of expecting something from someone that I may not receive. Then too it may be that I’m not sure of my worth or if I deserve what it is that I desire. Over time, I've learned to accept people for who they are, where they are, excusing what would normally be inexcusable behavior; thinking I’m not perfect so don’t expect perfection from someone else... that’s the perfect excuse right? I mean, I’m not knocking any of the things I tell myself or hear other women saying, because I know that everyone has something going on. But when it comes down to relationships I just noticed that there are some things that I've been exposed to & have become used to that I don’t require when it comes to being in a relationship.

I didn't grow up in the same house as my dad, but I was always with him as a young girl well into my adult years. There's a way my dad treated me which was almost like a princess. My mom says I was spoiled but that’s a matter of opinion. I am amazed at how many men don’t take time to be in their children’s lives, just simply because of the joy and the lasting affects it brings to the kids… I really didn't have to wait to ask for anything. It was a common practice that he provided what was needed. Now that I'm a grown woman providing for myself, I've taken on this role as being such an independent woman, saying & thinking that  that I can do it. All the while I'm not realizing that when a man comes my way my independent woman syndrome is taken out of concept.

Although I do expect for him to do the things that I've seen my dad do for me I don't make it a requirement. I allow men to treat me how they would treat any woman failing to realize that I’m not just any woman… and I just simply, adjust to what they have to offer; even when I know that things could be better. Thinking or hoping things will get better, all the while I'm frustrated because there are some things I'm used to & expect to be done but not sure how to "un-naggingly" make it known. So I sit quiet, wanting my voice to be heard... pleading for God to show them a sign on how to treat me... yea, I sit & sit & wait...

Today I thought, I don't want to be ashamed of wanting what I want. I’m not the clingy type, but I do enjoy a man surprising me with his attention every now and then. I don't think there's anything wrong with every now and then, tell me that you want me... The scary thing about being vulnerable is to admit that I actually want to hear it. I don't date men for money, but it would be nice for a man to leave a little something just because. I don't care for flowers but it would be nice to receive them every once in a while from someone other than myself. I'm not big on attention, but dang every now and then show me off in front of your people. Don't keep me in the shadows. I actually don't ask for much, if anything at all, but every now & then it would be nice to just simply receive something just because.

For so long, I've been taught I'm too aggressive & to simply tone it down a little. Wait for someone to offer it to you, don't just go in demanding things. All that is ok, but what happens when me accepting the behavior that they come with begins to disturb my peace... I no longer want to lower my standards just to have someone around. I've been taught better & I know better... I'm just so scared that I'll end up alone that I will accept just about anything that comes my way just to fill a void.

It's gna be hard I know, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want what I've prayed for... & that's simply for a man to be good to me & my daughter & to treat us as the covering my dad and two brothers has shown me & then some & to be someone that pleases God to be our covering. I will admit that I am a little spoiled, but I have men in my life and I’m supposed to be… In any relationship, one thing that I'm sure women desire to feel, is secure. Money is good, material things are good, time is even better, but me knowing that a man in my life is able to take over as head of our home & cover us is priceless.

 

I'm not the best woman & there are many things that God is definitely still perfecting in me, but one thing I am learning, with every experience the enemy tells me that I’m not good enough, is that I really must be worth having greatness in every area of my life. I'm understanding that I don't have to settle and that there's no rush. Now if the words I’ve written can get in my mind and heart and produce actions that help me not to be so anxious about the unknown, I’d be cool. Until then, I’ll probably re-read this over and over and allow God to speak to my heart and watch change take place for the better. Hopefully when I am presented to my king, God and life will have chiseled at me so much that I will be the queen or helpmeet that can give him what he needs in a graceful manner.

 

 

Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!