This morning on the way to drop Jordan off at school, she was like can you turn on some music... So I was like yea, but we need to start listening to some better tunes, like gospel or something more uplifting. So she said, well put on that Happy song, and I was like good choice. I played Wanna Be Happy by Kirk Franklin all the way to work and allowed it to minister to my spirit. What a perfect song it was for me this morning after what I would call a small devotion.
What a freeing feeling I had this morning. So
over the past few days I’ve gotten determined that I must make a change, like
foreal. I began reading the book Attitudinize and I also chose another book
from my shelf called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. I’ve had this book for
about a year now… well I just looked at the receipt and it’s been over a year.
Anywho, when I bought the book I bought it with about 4 other books. Some women
buy shoes and purses, I buy food, journals and books; lots of them. So after I
bought the book, I read just a little bit of it and put it down. I was in the
middle of finishing the semester and I said I’d come back to it later. Well
later is here now, and it’s hard for me to put it down. Like this morning
shortly after I opened my eyes, I grabbed the book and began to read.
She began to break down a few definitions of
insecurity and when I tell you I could identify with most of them, I was like
no wonder… It was like one of Oprah’s “ah haa” moments. Like the light bulb
went off and I bolted up in bed and begin to dig deeper… I began to notice that
some insecurities if deep enough can cause you to self-sabotage any good thing
that comes your way. It’s like you do it unconsciously. So no matter what
comes, in your mind things are already set to be a certain way, so it will
eventually have the same outcome as the last. We wonder why things continue to
happen over and over. I know for me, it was like, hold on now what in the world
is going on? I’m not sure that it has anything to do with it not being the
right timing but as my mom would say… girl who is the common denominator? So when
I read this I began to think about change.
I love the illustration Bishop Jakes gave in his
sermon titled: when the teacher has to go back to school. He broke down the
fall of man and all the steps God had to take in order to redeem us so that we
may have fellowship with Him again. Jesus’ life, death, burial and resurrection
was all a messy situation, from time He was conceived by the Holy Spirit even
now. In order for lasting change to take place some things have to be shaken
up. I can’t imagine a better way or another way God could have bought us back
from the snare of Satan. He chose to do it through His son Jesus Christ and I’m
so glad because it’s something about the blood of Jesus. I also began to think
of David and Goliath. Goliath came into this place day in and out, literally
terrifying God’s people. He made them forget who they were because of his size
and intimidation tactics. David was like hold on, my God is the creator of all
and you are nothing compared to Him. Who does this dude think he is? I know
this fight seems fixed from looking on the outside but I’m coming to you not in
my own strength but in the strength of my Lord. David knocked Goliath to the
ground with his faith and then cut his head off to show the strength of the
Lord for all to see.
These two illustrations made me think about the
giant called Insecurity and it’s many cousins and relatives that I’ve given
into that has caused me to have such a negative outlook on life. The funny
thing is, if you’ve been reading my blogs over time, you will notice that I’ve
had an issue with men in my life. It was like I just could not get this thing
right. I always thought it was them… then I started to realize girl something
else is up. It wasn’t until I met someone recently, I had to be honest and tell
him that what is going on with me has nothing to do with you and there is
nothing that “you” can do to help me. This is an issue that I will have to dig
within and allow God to heal. It's funny though that God is using him and also my past experiences to produce a change in me. Well not so funny, but you understand.
When I tell you this process is not easy… it is
not for one bit. The other day I went somewhere and most times I get in and get
out. All out of fear of not knowing anyone and just fear of interacting with
others. I promise as I sat there and became uncomfortable, I shifted in my seat
and as I was about to leave I heard in my spirit, just be still and stay put. I
know that being around others you don’t know is uncomfortable and you would
feel better if you just had one main point of contact, but this time just be
still. I sat there too until the end, not knowing that as I was teaching my
daughter to get out of her comfort zone, God was also teaching me to get out of
my comfort zone. This is one thing that I love about God. He knows us, His
children, and He knows just what we need and just how to give it to us… but the
catch is, we have to let Him do it and not grieve the Holy Spirit working in
us.
I know that a change is taking place. I know
that God is truly working on me. I know that there are things within me that is
deep rooted. One thing for sure is that I want it to happen. I want to get in
there and dig this mess up. There will be residue, and I will not have it all
together over night or even in a years time or maybe even in my life time. One
thing I do desire though is to stand up. Stand on His word and continue to
allow God to work through me, as ashamed as I am and as broken as I am. I
desire for God’s love to change me. Not a book, not a situation, not a person,
no some profound moment, none of that, but I want a change that will last and
produce a harvest that I can give no other credit to anyone but Him. His love is
what I desire. His love is what I want to daily become more and more aware of.
I know that His love as I begin to receive it, I will look more like Him and I
will be able to give more like Him.
No
discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it
produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained
by it.Therefore,
strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level
paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but
rather healed. Hebrews 12:11-13
Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!
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