Jessica S. Preston

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19   Last night I went to bed with a few things on my mind. A few things that I knew I had to come to grips with. I desire change in my life... One thing I noticed though, was that I was praying for change but I continued to do things that went against the change I desired; anndddd I knew I was doing it... When I find myself in those situations I have to sit  and have an honest talk with the Lord, and express to Him my sincere thoughts... we all know that God is gracious and compassionate but we also know not to frustrate his Grace. I love the way He allows us time to see the error in our ways and then allows us time to correct some things before He steps in. So this cold, wet morning after peeling myself out of my bed at 4am to show up for my 5am bootcamp many issues continued to press...

Wow. Although I say that I desire a mate, I can’t imagine the difficulties a marriage must face those first few years… or maybe those first few months. I’ve often heard that the reality is much different than the expectation of something. It’s funny how we ask God to bless us with things, that we have no clue of the reality of what we are asking for. Ever been in the audience where someone introduces their spouse and proceed to spek on the 35 years they’ve   been married, then notice how the crowd produces a massive applause… Although I was part of the ones who would applaud, I never really understood the depth of why I was clapping, outside of the fact that 35 years is a VERY long time to be with one person… Although I am not married, for the past month I have grown to respect anyone who dares to enter into the institution of marriage. I see now that marriage is not for punks or for better words, the faint of heart. It’s not for those who so easily throw in the towel when ...

I was thinking about my fears and how in touch with them I am, and didn’t even notice until it was time to break out. I say that I want my child to spread her wings and do great things, but didn't know how afraid I was of letting go. I say that I want a man, but didn’t know how afraid I was of one leaving. I say that I want success, but didn’t know how afraid I was of failing. Or better yet, I want success, but didn’t know how afraid I was of losing myself and Christ in the midst of climbing to the top. I say that I want to do better in all areas in my life; family, love, relationships, character, career etc… Yet all I say is that it’s too late to change… things will always be the same… I didn’t know how afraid I was of just taking the first step to change… then continuing on. The question that remains, is what am I really afraid of? If I want all these great things, what is stopping me from getting to those great places? I have the tendency to blame things on oth...

I wrote this one evening, mid October...   Last night I had to finally say goodbye to you... Although it's been over a decade since you stepped into my life, making such a fine print on my heart, I've held you in a place where long ago you walked away from. Leaving me wondering, wanting to know why didn't you choose me?   What happened to the smile on your face when you saw me? What happened to the butterflies we felt when we simply thought of one another? Last night, I had to come to the conclusion that we will never be again, & I must be ok with that. No matter how much I see or hope in you. No matter how much potential I see that we have as a believing couple together, I can't make you look at me the way you once did. I had to say to myself that I must be ok that you were allowed to leave & there was nothing I could do about it.   For so long, I allowed the door of my heart to stay open, never closing the door just in case you came back to fin...