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A Moment...

It always amazes me how far I've come & how far I still have to go. I find myself vacillating between who I want to become & the me I'm still trying to overcome. I know that in the word Jesus says "I have overcome the world, so be of good cheer", but what happens when you still find yourself wrestling with old habits?  You swear one moment I'm done, then the next moment you're right back in that thing... It's not that you didn't mean it the first time, sometimes you find it hard to separate yourself from it; whatever it may be. Im not sure if that's what is considered as a soul tie or what... Sometimes I wish I could just leave it all alone, but there is something there that still calls me... To be honest there is a part of me that still desires, part of me just wants to sit back and look & part of me still see the good in it although there are many bad memories & there's part of me who wonder will it be any good in the long run...

Why do I continue to torment myself? Shouldn't I know better by now? Or is this just something that's part of life that I must learn to grow thru?  That question lingers in my mind. Sometimes I wonder, how could I want it so bad and also be so afraid of it at the same time. I hate that I've been hurt by the bite of a lover... A bite that once felt so good, but only left me wounded in the end... I never knew how wounded I was, until it was time to allow someone else in... there, is where I found the previous bite of love was more than I bargained for... Now I'm left to tend to a wound that won't seem to heal... I put ointment on it & cover it up with a bandaid & every time I think it's healed I uncover it at a time only for the wound to be broken again.

I'm not sure why I think I'm so strong... I often believe that I can bounce back from anything... My heart is so excited to open up to love, the crazy thing is, is that that I'm still attracted to the type of love that continually hurt my heart... Or is it the love of the idea I replay in my mind that hadn't become my reality that hurts so bad? I'm not sure what it is but I do know that I hope to get past this soon... They say it takes one person to ruin a person for good... I'm not sure how true that is, but all I do know is that as much as it hurts to try again, I still want to keep my heart open to prove that a lie. I just have to be more careful to learn how to release the fear and embrace my past, embrace the vulnerability that comes with walking in love and most of all how to guard my heart. Im learning that my heart is too valuable for just anyone to have access to it. 




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