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The Great Exchange


This morning during my commute into work, I decided to listen to the latest Pinky Promise video. She mentioned so many great things that I will hold onto to. One thing that she mentioned during the discussion, was when she was single how she filled her life with so many randoms just to fill a void of loneliness. I began to think about something that has crossed my mind several times; how would it be just to let go. What I mean by let go, is to let go of all of the hearts that I am connected to. Although I am single, there are still a variety of men who I am connected to spiritually. I guess this could also be considered as a soul tie.
I have old relationships that has never had closure. NEVER. They always just slowly dwindle some type of way. Then there’s a window of loneliness or whatever it may be that creeps in and a text, or a message goes out; and the sad part is, I’m usually the initial messenger. Meaning, they aren’t coming after me, I’m going after them. The process usually prolongs the scratching of an itch that will be satisfied for a moment, but eventually will come back; and there I am scratching it again with this same method. Every so often I will reach out with a how are you, I’ve been praying for you or you have been on my mind heavily and then a little conversation, maybe a little flirting, that lets me know that there is still a possibility then the conversation ends; until next time. Although, I genuinely am concerned about the individual and what I say is very true because it's my nature, I also know that there is something else behind the message.
Proverbs 21:2 says, Every man's way is right in his own eyes, But the LORD weighs the hearts. Sometimes we really do mean good, but we must remember that there is always an underlying motive with all things; this could be a good thing or it could be very destructive. I usually kick myself afterwards like, now why did you do that, because you know that you are not interested in that person. I am rather selfishly pursuing a desire that continues to burn with no intention of putting the fire out; almost like it's a game. So here I am, up and down on the emotional roller coaster and am unsure of how to get off; or even if I had the courage to do so. So this morning when she mentioned the randoms and letting go, I asked myself again, would I be able to let go.
This was a serious question to ask myself because, I wondered if what I am really asking for or what I am really waiting on, is there but held up because of my inability to let go of my past. So I thought about sending messages, deleting friendship on FB, then I said no, I’m not doing either. I said that because I honestly felt that they would not notice that I was gone either way. Maybe later, but not at this time. I would like to do this in exchange for asking God to take what I have been using to fill a void in my life and to please give me something that He would like for me to have at this time. Right now I am frustrated in many ways. I have a certain way that I deal with these frustrations that is proving to bring destruction in the end. At this point I would like to change “this” thing. I know that I am not the only one who is struggling with this very thing. I do have to be honest with myself though, that there are some things that I have been playing with for way too long and there must come a change. I would like to say a prayer for myself and anyone else who is struggling with this…

Dear Heavenly Father, my scratcher is worn out, better yet, as bad as I want to keep using it, I know that it is not healthy for me to continue using it. It leaves me feeling empty and I’m never able to fill myself up with it. This is not easy for me, as you know, I have become well acquainted with my particular scratcher.  One thing I do know for sure is that you perfect all things in its time. You also said that you would give me beauty for my ashes; and this, I know is long dead. Father, I ask that as I lay this down at your feet, that you reveal to me what you have desired for me to have in its place. I know that there is no reason to fear, because it is written that every good and perfect gift comes from above. Father I am asking for your desires for my life be in my heart to desire also. Lord, I thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.
 

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