Skip to main content

Just Writing...



I don’t know what it is to love a black man, any man for that matter… That is, outside of the love I’m familiar with for my father, brothers, uncles and my nephew… Other than that, I’m pretty unsure what it is to truly love and accept a man.


For so long, I’ve desired to know this love; to finally experience this love with one of the opposite sex. Not just experience it, but to be completely embraced in it. I’ve often ran away and ran away from this type of love and affection because although I desire it to the utmost, I still have no training or the slightest clue on what a woman is and what her position is in the home for herself, her husband and her children.


So far, I’ve been winging it… you know, life. No direction and the only cause has been for me to make sure bills are paid and placing one foot in front of the other, attempting to figure this thing out…


Recently, I lost my job; my main source of income. Had this have happened just months or even one year ago, I would be in a totally different mindset. Yes, I’m scared but at the same time I see this as a perfect opportunity to really receive guidance. Since having my daughter at 16, it just feels like a world wind since that time. It was as if I took off running and doing all without knowing who I was. Excuse maybe, crutch no.


Throughout life, we’re all given a variety of choices. It’s true that a decision that takes a mere second can follow you for the remainder of your life and sometimes for generations.


I’ve been running so fast that I rarely stopped to ask for help. If I did ask for help, I did it with such arrogance, pride and fear, I never stopped to truly soak up the wisdom given. All in the consciousness that it would make me look weak or to be a bit more transparent, make it seem as if I needed your help taking care of this “mistake”. I remember just after I’d given birth, I was so tired. I’d never been this tired in my life. All I wanted to do was sleep. May a day or two into being home, someone said to me… you need to wake up because ain’t nobody gonna take care of your baby for you... Little did I know, I'd been running from similar voices ever since then. From that moment, I got up and decided in my heart, I didn’t need anyone to help me… At 30, I’m realizing this is far from the truth.


I finally said to myself, Jessica you need help raising your daughter. Not just the help from a man, but a knowing that I have a gift and in order to properly care for this gift I’ve been given, I will need help from a community of loved ones, family and others to care for this gift.


I also, saw that my hardened heart didn’t allow me to relax… relax just to be me, relax just to enjoy the little things in life. I can’t tell you when the last time I’ve laughed from my belly… Have you ever had one of these laughs… my goodness they are the best. Just being carefree to simply laugh, not caring who thought you were too loud or what anyone thought for that matter.


One thing that I admire, are relationships where all are simply able to relax and be themselves… No changing of the other, but a true genuine friendship and love for one another. I don’t know what it is to love a man fully but I do desire to marry & spend a lifetime with my friend. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I truly believe in love at first sight. I believe that when one soul encounters another that there is a knowing in their spirits… a knowing that we may not be able to interpret at the time but will be revealed over time. This is the soul my heart longs for. I truly believe that I’m already prepared for this soul. This is a preparedness that I had nothing to do with. It could only be orchestrated and developed by Gods doing himself.


So, my request is Lord surprise me with the love you for me and my gift. Let us be the gift, his heart longs for and my soul speaks and is open to. I trust you to finally let me let down my guards, after all these years and embrace and give the love I desire.


Sincerely Yours


Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unbreak My Heart

Although I am writing about myself, I want for my readers to see themselves or someone in a similar situation. Not feel sorry for yourself or them, but to gain some clarity. This make take a moment to read, so kick back and get comfortable for a moment. Right now I'm listening to Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton & have the nerve to have it on repeat. I actually really love old 90's hits. That's when real music was in. It’s around 5p so I’m writing in between stops in traffic. For probably the last few years I've been beating myself up over this simple yet burdensome stumbling block. Somewhere, sometime ago I lost confidence in myself. I couldn't understand it because although I knew people had an opinion about me, truthfully I didn't care. Like, literally someone could say something out of line to me & I wouldn't notice, because my mind more than likely was on something else anyhow. Somewhere along the way I began to care & I will say that...
6 comments
Read more

Last Night...

I wrote this one evening, mid October...   Last night I had to finally say goodbye to you... Although it's been over a decade since you stepped into my life, making such a fine print on my heart, I've held you in a place where long ago you walked away from. Leaving me wondering, wanting to know why didn't you choose me?   What happened to the smile on your face when you saw me? What happened to the butterflies we felt when we simply thought of one another? Last night, I had to come to the conclusion that we will never be again, & I must be ok with that. No matter how much I see or hope in you. No matter how much potential I see that we have as a believing couple together, I can't make you look at me the way you once did. I had to say to myself that I must be ok that you were allowed to leave & there was nothing I could do about it.   For so long, I allowed the door of my heart to stay open, never closing the door just in case you came back to fin...
5 comments
Read more

Leave It...

“What did you do with all your books?” “I left everything in there. I didn’t want to bring anything from there, here.”   This was a question I asked a friend who was recently released from prison. Funny this piece of our conversation came to mind this morning. You’re getting ready to move from one place to another yet you look at your current space you’ve been residing for so long. You’ve collected so much stuff over the years. Stuff that at one point you needed and held onto so desperately and dared anyone take it from you. Some that fed you. Some that depleted you. Some that distracted you. Some that strengthened you. Some things you look at and ask why or where did this come from. Letters, notes, pictures, little nick knacks are everywhere. All this stuff surrounding a current space you’re about to leave for good. What are you going to do with the collection? Do you take it with you or do you leave it all there? Opening your bag, setting it on the bed you laid your head...
6 comments
Read more