Losing You...

When I first saw you, I said “oh my, there’s my dream, that’s my dream” I needed a dream when it all seemed to go bad… ah, the beautiful voice of Jamie Foxx is playing in my ears now as I type...

This is what came to mind when I saw you after so many years. I tried my best to play it cool… we sat on the couch and finished watching the last Episode of Empire, Season 3. I was eager to see both, since I’d missed the episode on my own time, yet I had you… finally had you at my side. A man I’d grown fond of since the 7^th grade.

I continued to laugh at the entire situation because I knew the prayer I’d just prayed, not knowing you were on your way home… and here I was, sitting next to you. No paper, no glass window, no nothing… I could actually touch you again. Man, I was on cloud 9… I’m smiling now thinking about it.

I’ve never met another man I actually desired to be with as much as I desired to be with you. Although, you never knew that because I have a funny way of letting my feelings show. No matter what, you’re still a jewel in my eyes and heart.

Here we are nine months later. I don’t know where you are, by choice, yet I pray wherever you are you are well. I think about you often… even try to get mad at times but I can’t be mad. You’re you. Instead of getting mad, I have toiled with the thoughts of what happened and how. How could we go from being so in love, to not talking? Instead of placing blame on you and with the advice of others, placing blame on myself, I sought to look deeply at my broken heart. I studied it for a while, not quick to touch it… I let it bleed.

Picture a baby whose just come out of their mother’s womb, having had some complications they had to quickly go into an incubator for some time. Even though the mother and father and other family is there anticipating holding the baby, they can’t just yet until it has spent some time in the incubator… to rest, to heal, to do whatever it needs to do in order to get well. This was me looking at my heart, in the hands of our Father.

The picture attached to this blog, I remember posting it with the caption, “I wouldn’t mind keeping my hands here for a while”… even then, although I had you right there, I still feared how long it would last. I wanted to bad to give you more than just my hand. I wanted to give you my heart, my life and all the beautiful babies I could pop out. Yet, my heart needed tending to for a purpose far greater than what I could imagine. You see, a long time ago my heart was broken, countless of times… for a person like me, the smallest of things are detrimental. So in order to keep my heart from being broken, event after event I began to layer it. I layered it in order that not just anyone could get in. Little did I know that while others couldn’t get in, I was also closing myself in.

When I saw you, I knew you were an answered prayer. It was never you that I worried about, it was me. I knew who you were. I knew the situation we were in. I knew those things, yet I never cared about anyone interfering… When everything came to the light, you were so apologetic and as sincere as you were, I knew there was more to the story that had nothing to do with you and all to do with me. I hate to say it, but I believe it to be true that God knew exactly what it would take to break that wall I’d began to build long ago… knowing exactly who to use.

Losing you hurt me so bad, I couldn’t explain it. I can’t imagine a person going through a divorce and the affects it had on them. We didn’t even have papers, let alone an official agreement yet the separation hurt as if we did. As confused as I was, I wasn’t able to talk to you. Talking to you would only confuse me more. I knew there was something taking place that was out of my control.

I had to watch as my heart bled, unable to mend it, yet I’m comforted that I was never alone and my heart was in the hands on one who knew exactly what to do with it. For so long, I needed someone else to heal my broken heart. I knew this to be seized when someone tried to come in right after you… even though I gave it a little conversation, I suddenly cut it off because I no longer needed the temporary support. I needed real support that couldn’t come from a man or any type of material possession at that.

Losing you brought out a lot in me. It made me realize that I do want it… Whatever I said I didn’t need. I do want it. I just didn’t want to go after it and have it to hurt me anymore. This is what I held back from you. It was me. That pull you felt, it was real. I just couldn’t show you because I didn’t want you to leave. I didn’t want to give it to you and watch you leave. Yet, it happened anyhow… go figure.

This time, I’ve said in my heart I want to go the distance. I want to tear down the walls that I’ve built. I’m still scared of people hurting me, yet I have so far to go. Will I be open to everything, will I easily allow others into my space… who knows. What I do know at this time that I desire to love again and let love in. Losing you hurt me, but it yanked a piece of me away that without you, would’ve still been there, as I continued to repeat this vicious cycle of mending to my own broken heart.

He’s holding onto this broken heart, mending it as he would the clay… shaping it as He desires.

Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!