Willing to face your truth...

I was 16 years old when I birthed my daughter, who is now 12 soon to be 13 next month. I met her father when I was 15. I’d just moved back to my hometown, starting my sophomore year in high school. I was devastated. Before moving back home, I’d finally seen a glimpse of myself away from everything I knew while living in the big city of Dallas, TX. Like the caged bird never knowing what it was like to be free, I’d finally experienced that freedom. I was with my favorite aunt, had the cutest boyfriend (my Biscuit) and everything for me was just right… so I felt in my teenage eyes. So one summer when our home was broken into, it gave my mom the opportunity to finally go back to her safehaven… our hometown.

I was devastated. Little did I know, my mom hated the city and was praying for a way to get back home. I could image her thoughts after she’d moved, asking herself why did she make this decision. We moved during my 8th grade year and although the transition was drastic, for some reason I felt a strange sense of familiarity… almost like that thing I didn’t know I was seeking, I’d finally found. Little did I know, while I was finding peace, my mom was praying to get back to her place of peace. So, once I found out we were moving back I stayed quiet, but plotted my plan to stay in the city. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Looking back, I see that this was probably my 1st bout of depression I’d experienced.

I found myself back around my very peers I always felt I never quite fit in with. I found myself stuck and ever since, I was planning my escape route to get back to my perception of freedom. I began to go with the motion. My eyes were wide shut and I became numb to just about everything. I didn’t care but I knew that this was the life I had to live. Not long after returning, I met him. The first time I learned of him, I didn’t even know who he was. Honestly, when he was pointed out to me I didn’t even see his face in the crowd. I just said “oh, ok” and headed to my next class. Little did I know, he saw something he liked and pursued it, eventually claiming his prize. He turned my darkness into light. His smile, constant phone calls, silly personality, gentle ways created a warm spot in my heart I didn’t know was possible. He took my mind off of my issue and he became my light. He was indeed my first love… speaking from a teenage mind.

Long story short, before entering into my Jr. Year of high school, I learned that I would soon expect my first child. As scared as I was, there was a calmness there that let me know everything would be ok. As a teen mom, there were things I had to face, even being fired from my job and barely graduating high school were a few. In all honesty, being a teen mom or even the statistics didn’t bother me. Nothing about it made me ashamed. To me, it was just another part of life I had to deal with. I knew this was a decision I’d made and I had to face it. I can truly say that through the bumps, bruises, mountains and valleys, things are indeed well.

Well, to fast forward to now, a lot has taken place. The reason I stopped by today to write is a tad bit different. He stopped by a couple days ago to bring her a Christmas gift. It was exactly what she asked for and boy was she excited. The thing about my girl, as long as she is fed and has her music, she is ok. She is content and chill to no end. She doesn’t sweat small things. This is what I admire most about her. I was actually out of the house walking our puppy when he came by but I saw him letting him know she was inside and he was welcome to go in where she was. As quickly as he’d come, he’d left. I saw his suv pull away and headed inside.

Many things came to mind that night and the next day. This morning, a scripture came to mind.

 

Ecclesiastes 9:11 I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.

 

From a distance, I’ve seen him become married, owning his own home, driving beautiful rides, dressing his best and living fairly well. For some time now, I thought why did I receive the short end of the stick. Despite various opinions, I learned that truly he wasn’t one I wanted in my life, just for his daughter to be part of his life. I pray often for his wellbeing, even prayed for him to marry, hoping this would help strengthen his relationship with his daughter. Not only did I want for God to bless his life abundantly, I wanted God to bless my life abundantly also. It’s funny what we allow to infiltrate our minds by comparing the measure of our success, blessings and value to others… Not wise at all.

On January 2nd to help me process everything I was “feeling” on the inside, I took to my journal. Two scriptures came to mind; Genesis 4:7 & 27:40. I then knew that I was holding onto several things that were weighing me down. I felt that if these words were spoke, sort of as commandments then that I too could do the very things commanded. So I prayed asking for the faith and belief to take the yoke from around my neck and truly begin to see my life for all the abundance that it is. I asked God to show me who I am and who I was made to be despite of the mishaps that has taken place in my life so far.

I don’t believe anyone was made to live in a prison, even when that prison is in their own mind. There is no one that can stop you from living your best life except for you. Yes things happen and for some, we desire to know why… especially for a person like me. I hold onto things a lot longer than I should, wondering why, how, when… all of that. I have to know the specific details to things and fix them before I can move forward. This is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. At least I think so.

My prayer is that those reading, who knows what this type of “yoke” feels like, that just like me, they begin to take the yoke from around their necks and seeing that they are living in an abundance of blessings all around them in this very moment. I pray that the eyes of their hearts are enlightened and that they truly begin to live the life our Father has called them to live. Walking in their truest form of freedom and in peace. I love you and most of all, our Father in Heaven loves you also. Peace.