This morning as I was undressing to get into the shower
after a great workout, I tossed aside the shirt I was wearing, noticing the
wording but not wanting to look at the wording. The words on the shirt
represented something that had started in my heart back in 2012 that I hadn't
touched since the summer of 2014. Just as quickly as I tossed the shirt
aside, the knowing was there for me to deal with it.
I'm thinking to myself, I can't afford to take my mind there right now. I just got from boot camp, let me just enjoy the positive energy for now. As soon as I stepped into the shower, I began to pour my heart out. God this is the truth. As much as I wanted to speak as if I was telling my truth to another human being & cover up, I couldn't. The words hurt as I spoke them, buy I had to continue. I ended by saying I just don't know what to do about it, because it hurt me...
It’s funny how God responds.
I stayed up late last night baking for teacher’s appreciation day. I just bought new mini bundt & loaf pans & this was my 1st time cooking with them. Being my 1st time, I didn't think much of it & baked them like I would bake a normal cake... well this morning I learned a valuable lesson that mini cakes don't require as much time as a whole cake would. So, let's just say they were a little hard on the outside. We still dressed the cakes up with icing & all & then set one aside to taste. My daughter immediately displayed her dissatisfaction & threw her piece away. I felt bad & to be honest got upset. I said this heathen... I didn't say anything to her. Except, when we got in the car I was still upset so I began to pray.
The reason I chose to pray & not say anything to Jordan was because I saw a familiar spirit & chastising wasn't going to fix it. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I knew that if I didn't take it to God at that moment, we would be dealing with this again sooner than later. So after prayer & dropping Jordan off at school, I was reminded of a similar incident.
It was Christmas & we are all at my aunt’s house in Houston opening our presents. Not sure of my age, but I wanted this little Kenya doll. To my surprise when I opened my present, it was a doll but it wasn't a Kenya doll. My reaction displayed my disappointment. I was young & gave an honest reaction. I wanted something & was upset that I didn’t get it. Little did I know, there was much more taking place that my young mind couldn’t understand. Being a single parent, now knowing what it’s like to raise a child with needs and take care of everything, I know that there are things that make the list and those that don’t. Yet, work so hard to get what is provided. My mom got so mad, said some things & told me to go to the back room. Eventually I ended up joining the family again, but it was definitely with a different countenance but the same heart.
Seeing my daughter this morning & on several other occasions, I noticed that she picked that behavior up from me... then too that it meant I was still acting in this same childish manner; even at 28 years old.
Sometimes we act in with certain behaviors & not even notice it. All we notice is that something isn’t quite right. We notice that something continues to come up in our lives that causes a disruption. Normally, when we find ourselves in repeated situations or patterns, it’s not the other people or things we face that has the issue that must be challenged, but it’s the person staring back at you in the mirror. Dealing with ourselves may be the most difficult thing to address. I challenged myself to ponder on the thought that maybe I've been looking at a situation with half truth... could it be possible that they hurt me, but I did something to hurt them... maybe some of the things I’ve been desiring from the Lord has not come to pass is simply because I’m not ready; He’s still preparing me; preparing my heart.
I'm thinking to myself, I can't afford to take my mind there right now. I just got from boot camp, let me just enjoy the positive energy for now. As soon as I stepped into the shower, I began to pour my heart out. God this is the truth. As much as I wanted to speak as if I was telling my truth to another human being & cover up, I couldn't. The words hurt as I spoke them, buy I had to continue. I ended by saying I just don't know what to do about it, because it hurt me...
It’s funny how God responds.
I stayed up late last night baking for teacher’s appreciation day. I just bought new mini bundt & loaf pans & this was my 1st time cooking with them. Being my 1st time, I didn't think much of it & baked them like I would bake a normal cake... well this morning I learned a valuable lesson that mini cakes don't require as much time as a whole cake would. So, let's just say they were a little hard on the outside. We still dressed the cakes up with icing & all & then set one aside to taste. My daughter immediately displayed her dissatisfaction & threw her piece away. I felt bad & to be honest got upset. I said this heathen... I didn't say anything to her. Except, when we got in the car I was still upset so I began to pray.
The reason I chose to pray & not say anything to Jordan was because I saw a familiar spirit & chastising wasn't going to fix it. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I knew that if I didn't take it to God at that moment, we would be dealing with this again sooner than later. So after prayer & dropping Jordan off at school, I was reminded of a similar incident.
It was Christmas & we are all at my aunt’s house in Houston opening our presents. Not sure of my age, but I wanted this little Kenya doll. To my surprise when I opened my present, it was a doll but it wasn't a Kenya doll. My reaction displayed my disappointment. I was young & gave an honest reaction. I wanted something & was upset that I didn’t get it. Little did I know, there was much more taking place that my young mind couldn’t understand. Being a single parent, now knowing what it’s like to raise a child with needs and take care of everything, I know that there are things that make the list and those that don’t. Yet, work so hard to get what is provided. My mom got so mad, said some things & told me to go to the back room. Eventually I ended up joining the family again, but it was definitely with a different countenance but the same heart.
Seeing my daughter this morning & on several other occasions, I noticed that she picked that behavior up from me... then too that it meant I was still acting in this same childish manner; even at 28 years old.
Sometimes we act in with certain behaviors & not even notice it. All we notice is that something isn’t quite right. We notice that something continues to come up in our lives that causes a disruption. Normally, when we find ourselves in repeated situations or patterns, it’s not the other people or things we face that has the issue that must be challenged, but it’s the person staring back at you in the mirror. Dealing with ourselves may be the most difficult thing to address. I challenged myself to ponder on the thought that maybe I've been looking at a situation with half truth... could it be possible that they hurt me, but I did something to hurt them... maybe some of the things I’ve been desiring from the Lord has not come to pass is simply because I’m not ready; He’s still preparing me; preparing my heart.
There are some blessings that God has for His children that
He just absolutely cannot give us until we pass a certain test. Not to imply
that He test us, but to imply that it is His desire to give us good gifts and
that we lives our lives in abundance. So even though it hurts, he must apply
pressure, cut away at us, isolate us all in order to purify us, so that when we
are finally ready for the gift we will be able to handle it and properly care
for it.
Over the last few months, God has truly been dealing with
me, like something serious… it was like, no more sweeping things under the rug,
simply walking by the mess or running away, to later find myself back at the
same point elsewhere. It hasn’t felt good, it’s a little embarrassing, nor did
I like being shown what is in my heart. I've cried more than I could ever remember crying here lately. For me today, it was as simple as
having an ungrateful heart. I never know who God will use to bless me or even
place me around to work with… and here I am saying who I will and will not be
ok to receive from or give to… Nah, that doesn’t work, but that’s the way I’ve
been operating. I was shown many things I’d let slip by, all with the attitude of ungratefulness I've been carrying.
One thing I do know for sure, is that if God actually reveals something like
this to me that it’s already dealt with and overcome. There were many things revealed & things brought back to my memory just as the Christmas incident. God says, that ugly part of me, yes that... I want it too. Give it to me & lay aside the weight. The weights I've been carrying guilt, shame & disappointment over, that's been grieving me... He says to give it to Him. I’m just in the process
of walking it out now.
Anything I share, no matter how personal, im not ashamed of anyone knowing. The reason I began this blog is simply because I understand Satan desires to get us alone with the perception that we are alone... distancing us from the one who can help us the most. Because as long as we're hidden in shame, guilt & misery, we have a hard time allowing healing to take place.
Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!
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