Just a Little Adjusting...

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world,3 but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:1-2

 

Soooo! What a great way to turn a somewhat dreary morning around. When my alarm clock went off at 4:10am to get up for boot camp I hit the snooze button; not once but twice. The second time, alarms in me went off, knowing that if I didn’t get up I would either have to rush, I would be late, or the worst, I wasn’t going… It’s the first of January and I can’t already not show up. I already missed Monday just to get my hair done!!! After actually pulling back the covers, sitting on the side of the bed twice, I finally jumped up, deciding I was going and proceeded to put my workout clothes on, until I looked at the clock… It displayed 4:51am. This left me no time to get there and get a decent workout. So I laid back down, but I was already too alert.

After laying down for a few minutes and tormenting myself on why I should’ve gotten up and how I should just quit and how my trainer would fuss next time I showed up and how I may as well just not show up Friday and just start over Monday and how I am showing my lack of discipline and commitment… OMG you can just imagine my disposition!!! Through the noise in my head, I said nope, got up with my covers wrapped around me and headed to the living room. I grabbed my journal, opened my Bible and proceeded to jot down the silent words that were also speaking but were hiding behind the louder words in my head. Those words were:

-       Time: What are you spending your time on?

-       Renew: Renew your mind often and keep your goals upfront.

-       Commitment: Remember what you are committed to & why.

-       Energy: It takes energy to do anything. Spend it wisely.

-       Focus: Remember to stay focused. Do you have a clear picture?

-       Change/Adjustment: What adjustments can you make to get where you’re going?

-       Honesty: Know & be true to yourself.

-       Perfection/Grace: Remember to check yourself often, allowing room for failure & growth.

-       Encouragement: You can’t pour from and empty cup. Keep yourself fueled an encouraged.

-       Source: Remember that things/people cannot be your source. Keep God as your source.

-       Sacrifice: Offer the heart of yourself & not things that represent you.

-       Obedience: You may not want to do it, but it’s better to do so than not to.

So as these words came to mind and I jotted them down and one question came to mind: Why do you do what you do? I began to search my Bible from Romans 8:1-13, Romans 12:1-11 and Genesis 4:2-7 and ended with a short journal entry. During my journal entry I wrote, “I find myself pouring into outside things, in order to feed me”. I asked God to help me with that question because I’m supposed to pour out, right? I asked for help with this because the thought didn’t come from me… As I kept writing, the question before came to mind, why do I do what I do.

It dawned on me that my motivation for doing things are easily swayed to get a response from others. Although initially it may not have begun that way… Example… say for instance me working out. Making a decision to better my health was for me… after a little hard work and some time, I begin seeing results and so do others &&& the compliment comes rolling in. They offer great motivation and also offers a great confidence booster. Well, what happens when the compliments begin to dwindle and don’t come as often or at all. For me, my reasoning for doing what I do gets very tainted. I am no longer motivated to do what I’m doing because it’s a great benefit for me, I’m now motivated by your applause. So every next move is to gain some sort of applause from you. Then, if the applause stops unfortunately so does my drive to go after my desire. If not checked, this can become very detrimental.

I’ve recently discovered my greatest love language is Affirmation. If you really want to get something out of me, genuinely give me a compliment, a warm smile or do or say anything kind to me. Something that lets me know I am doing ok… my God, it’s like fire crackers are set off in my nerves, all because it gives me so much energy. On the flip side, starve me of your attention, love or affectionate words, disrespect me and show me that you don’t need me… you will see a totally different side of me. 9 times out of 10 its because my feelings are hurt in some way. Well, what happens when you are wired this way? Like, it's intricately knit into your DNA making up who you are... I'd often ask, God please change me... Please. Not knowing that me asking for God to please change me was like asking to please change me into a white person… I’m black and know darn well that request is not being granted.

When I was created, God formed me into who He wanted me to be. I know that he makes ALL things good simply from His words, "Let us make man in our image."

So all the neat, quirky, beautiful, not so beautiful things that make Jessica, Jess is what He created. Me asking him to change me into something I’d perceive as more beautiful or desirable is an insult. I’m so glad that although our Father sits high and looks low, he is also omnipotent and omniscient. There is no where we can go that he is not. Not even in our thoughts. He knows the reasoning behind why we do the things we do, say things we say and act the way we act etc. So as I completed my journal entry, I took another step into bringing my honesty before him. I mean like a little girl to her daddy and asked another question…

How do I accept who I am and let it work for my good instead of fighting how you made me? How do I find value in myself and in other things that the next person may not find so valuable and maintain its value no matter what? I learned that this is what’s meant by you have to accept and love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. What if no one else ever tells you that they love you or offer you another word of encouragement… will you waste away your life waiting or will you muster up the courage to learn to encourage yourself &&& give that very thing to someone else? Even when what you gave me doesn't look as good as someone else's, how can I still see the value in what you gave me &&& still see the value in theirs at the same time? I later wrote, I know there is another way that I can take a look at this. I just need help adjusting my vision and perception. Teach me a new way of perceiving...

This was my issue. Your issue may be the same or similar or you may not be able to relate at all. Either is ok. All I know is that whatever you are dealing with at this time, taking our hearts to the Lord, is the best place to start if we want any type of healing.

 



Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!