Dear you,
(Sigh) So, I’m sitting at my desk, with my earbuds in listening
to Almost by Tamia. I heard this song yesterday, and although I’d heard this
song plenty of times before I finally paid attention to the lyrics. Her lyrics
spoke what I’ve been feeling and thinking about you for some time now.
I often ask myself, how is it that I feel so connected to
you or think of you so much when I’d just met you not long ago. It’s like I
knew you somewhere in another time but didn’t know it was you. When I saw you
the maybe, 2nd or 3rd time, I wanted to see you again and
again. I found myself anticipating the next time I’d see you. Seeing that beautiful
smile and those big brown eyes, makes me smile even now. I remember one day I
walked up behind you while you were sitting and noticed you’d let your hair
grow out. Those little soft curls laying on your head were so cute to me. It
was tempting not to run my hands through them, to feel their softness, then to
watch your reaction…
Would you chastise me for touching you in such an intimate
way in a not so intimate setting or would have welcomed my touch? That’s a
question among many that I ponder on when thinking about you. I still think of
you as my mystery friend… you have a way of showing yourself but giving off
just what you want to give and nothing more… until you know it’s safe I wonder
or until you know it’s worth sharing or maybe both and then some… Who knows…?
Although there are many questions that I still ponder on, I
also can’t help but to think, are things the way they are for both of our
sakes. I often throw myself under the bus before throwing someone else under,
but I can’t help but to wonder… I thought of myself as having baggage that I
know I have and must release before bringing another in. Then I began to wonder
what type of baggage you were carrying around… Not being judgmental but simply
thinking there’s a possibility that we both are being worked on deeply in some
type of way.
I tend to have a very negative view of myself, thinking of
myself less than, as I did after not hearing from you… As time went on, I couldn’t
help but to think, I know good things come to me and could there have been
something else at work that I was not aware of. Now I’m leaning more towards
the 2nd thought. One would ask, well if you have all these
questions, why not just ask him? I thought of that and I think I would if I
were desperate for you, but I’m not. Although my confidence has been shaken, I do
still know that I am someone worth coming after. There are times when one has
to go an extra mile for a cause, but it has to be worth it. I had to be honest
with myself, and think he honestly just may not have been that into me. Finally
I respect that.
This very way of thinking is something that I can’t argue
with, because it’s not my thought. I can’t make someone stay or be somewhere
they do not want to be. Nor can I allow what a person thinks towards me affect
the way I think towards myself and what I have to offer. I have to remember
that I am a particular breed. I knew a long time ago, as did guys I dated knew
that I wasn’t the normal girl, and it would take a special person to grab a
hold of me. Little did I know, was that God knew this too. There were many who
came my way who weren’t allowed to stay. Some I pushed away, some I allowed my
childishness to get in the way and some walked away on their own; either way
they are no longer there. I’m a firm
believer that what was meant to stay, couldn’t leave, even if it was just a
friendship. I have to trust that no matter what hand I dealt in the process
that things will still work out for our good.
I’m not sure of I will see you again or not. I’d like to,
but what then? Would we still have the desire for each other, or will it just
be one stranger to the next pretending we never knew one another names? I’m ok
with either one. I do have to figure out how to process my feelings, do
whatever should be done with them and simply move on though. It’s not that
easy, but it will have to be for my sake.
So to you, I would say that I do miss seeing your face and seeing
those beautiful features. I do miss what I thought could have been if we were
still talking. I miss what we “Almost” had, at least in my mind. Although I
have an active imagination I don’t let my mind wonder outside of what actually
took place. I won’t allow my imagination to run rapid thinking of what we
almost had. So thank you for the smile you brought to my face when thinking of
you and seeing you. It was good to feel it again. Thank you for showing me that
I am still desirable. Thank you for showing me what it was like to be sought
after again. I hadn’t felt that in a long while and I must say that it felt
really good.
I know that you are an amazing man; that I have no doubt
about. A little tough but I know it’s for a good reason. So if I ever see you
again, I hope that it’s a pleasant meeting. I hope that we see each other in a different
light, thinking great things of one another. I will not allow the enemy to
steal any joy from me or set up a root of bitterness and anger towards you for
not choosing me. Although I want my words to continue hoping you would pick up
on the conversation, and for it not to come to an end, I must let my words come
to an end now. So I will say again, thank you. 
Thank you for reading. My prayer is that it touched you as it touched me! Please feel free to share this post or share an inspiring word! Remember you are the only you there is, so be good to YOU!
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